Git R Done!

We came, we saw, we brought our girlfriends (uhh…I mean our sisters). Thanksgiving added a new and interesting twist this year in the form of the 1st Annual Redneck Games at Little Paint Creek Ranch. We all convened with our wife-beaters, tattoos, bubba teeth, and mullets. Once we were able to pry the contestants away from the Pabst Blue Ribbon and Boones Farm reserve, it was time to get the events started.



Two teams of 8 inbreds had been chosen the night before following the turkey spread. The winning team would be idolized in a team photo framed in a golden toilet seat to be hung for the year in the deer cleaning house of the ranch. Once this became known to me, I began my mission to throw the games for my team! The first of 5 events was Baggo. If you have never played this game, it’s similar in fashion to washers where players throw bean bags at a slanted board with a hole in the middle to score points. Our French chef for the weekend, Philippe, fit right in on one of the teams and scored the winning point. My team lost. 0-1.



The 2nd event was called Redneck golf. I had never heard of nor seen this before but it was a very interesting game. The Springer wannabes threw two golf balls that were attached together with a piece of string at a multi-level bar contraption in the hopes of wrapping the strung balls around one of the levels whereby each level was a different point value. See photo above.



Bubba Philippe once again scored the winning points and will never live his newfound redneck heritage down! He never had this much fun working for Tracy McGrady! My team lost again. 0-2. One more lost event and we can call it a day and retire to a comfortable evening of unscrewing the wine and kissing our cousins.



Not that fast. The real fun was just getting started. Event #3 – The Plunger Race. If you have never peed in your pants laughing so hard, then you weren’t around to watch this next event. And yes, we do have the video footage, but I will need to transfer it to the computer and double think whether I want the world to see this spectacle we all made of ourselves. Someone (and I will find you!) sent my aunt an email, which actually got this whole idea off the ground, of a bunch of ladies doing this relay race whereby one person holds a roll of toilet paper between her legs while another person on her team runs toward her with a plunger between her legs. You can then imagine what happens next. If you haven’t seen this on youtube, you can watch it here.



Well, come to find out, it’s an old wives tale about the French. They really aren’t that good at you know what! Needless to say, my team won this one! Of course, I had to show I was good at something! ;-) New score 1-2. At this point, I was beginning to feel the power and I was thinking it might not be that bad to be enshrined in the toilet seat hall of fame. Indeed – it wasn’t the Stanley Cup, but it was redneck glory at its finest! After everyone picked themselves up from rolling on the ground uncontrollably with laughter, it was time for the 4th event – Redneck Horseshoes.



We’ve all seen this one. You fling the toilet seat instead of a horseshoe and score it the same. Of course, the comeback continued and my team tied things up after a close match. 2-2. Things were getting a little heated and tempers were beginning to flare. A couple of cousins got into over who was the real baby’s daddy so they decided to solve the issue the following week on Maury Povich. After all, it’s a free DNA test, right?



The last and deciding event was the sack race relay and although we got off to a bad start we made things up and it was neck and neck. However, after a couple of my teammates fell, there became too much ground make up and the bad guys won! All in all it was a great time and everyone had a ton of laughs. Colt took home the best dressed prize which consisted of a 6-pack of Miller High Life and a vat of Pig Out wild beast bait for the hunter extraordinaire! Sorry Phil – There wasn’t an award for best gay redneck outfit or you would have won hands down!



After all was said and done, it was decided that the tradition will live on and the games will continue, however the theme will change from year to year. Needless to say there are only so many sister loving jokes you can use. So 3 themes were voted on (Obama, the 70’s, and Hollywood), and the 70’s won! I think the only one who doesn’t need a new outfit might be Phil. He could wear the same thing and go as one of the Village People! See you all next year…Now where did I put those bell bottoms?